My sister Grayling is a GP in Largs. Blenney is a consultant urologist in Cullercoates and Marlin is a psychic healer in Blairgowrie.
I was the on-call pathologist at Fort Catherine General when they brought poor Morwenna Prendergast into the morgue.
We knew straight away that this was no ordinary case. The Prendergast name was feared throughout the tight-knit forensic community.
Grizelda, the poor wee lassie's mother, was one of those people who suck the energy from a room when she enters, replacing it with a low level current of unfocussed anxiety. Not a nice person to be near.
I had briefly met the daughter when we had our Poodle made over by the mobile groomers. As Captain Scarlet was whisked into the back of the van I caught a fleeting glimpse of a plump teenager with a happy-go-lucky smile which managed to break through the abundant piercings which marred her face.
The boss seemed annoyed that I had seen Morwenna & slammed the door of the van shut.
I left Morwenna a generous tip; the Captain looked splendid after her attentions.
Now I was able to see as much of Morwenna as I could possibly wish, except for several bits which were missing from the wreckage of her body.
The piercings were not confined to her face; her one remaining breast sported a sad bloody rabbit's foot on a keyring. It had not brought Morwenna much luck recently.
All of her piercings looked amateurish and made from recycled items such as ring-binder clips.
She sported many tattoos of an equally amateur quality, with many mis-spellings.
Most alarming of all were two demonic portraits gracing her left & right buttocks.
My first impressions of the remains were as follows:
i) A well nourished white Caucasian female, slightly obese, of just under median height. Age roughly 17 or 18. Many home-made piercings and tattoos.
ii) No evidence of child-bearing. Apparently virgo intacta; most unusual for this age group in Ballochbridge
iii) No evidence of sexual interference with the corpse apart from removal by tearing of right breast
iv) No evidence of intravenous drug use; very little blood remaining on examination. Massive exsanguination reported from crime scene.
v) Rigor beginning to wear off. This combined with core temperature readings suggest she died 36 to 48 hours previously ~ between noon and midnight on Tuesday.
vi) Body wrapped in a torn scarlet silk robe; no other garments recorded
On further examination I determined that Morwenna's last meal had consisted of a haggis with pastry.
The anterior surface of the torso presented at least a dozen deep claw-type wounds penetrating more than two inches into the body.
The thoracic organs were visible via the largest wound below the right rib-cage; the heart was missing.
On the posterior surface was a group of what appeared to be cloven hoof-prints revealed by deep bruising.
Detailed examination of the brain and remaining organs revealed nothing out of the ordinary.
We had to wait a further two days for the blood screening results from Edinburgh. These showed moderate levels of alcohol and cannabis.
But most alarming was a very high level of d-Tubocurarine, a muscle relaxant derived from a tropical creeper.
It produces rapid paralysis without loss of consciousness in the patient or victim.
It may be injected or inhaled.
We now were certain that we were dealing with a case of murder. Although wild animals may have played a part in Morwenna's tragic demise they certainly did not administer the powerful drug.
Nowadays it is common for pathologists and CSIs to take on an active investigative role in crime management. This is is especially true in thrillers such as this.
Accordingly I summoned my team to the mortuary and briefed them on my findings. Let me introduce the team:
i) Gok Lang: half Chinese, half Scottish, full time fashion victim. The finest crime scene analyst on the West Coast.
ii) Boris Garbagian: the distinguished Armenian forensic entolomologist; nothing with six legs gets past Boris.
iii) Tony Marinello: Italian-Scottish heartthrob & expert on symbols and the occult. Hands off ladies - he's mine !!
That includes you too Gok.
iv) Wanda Freeley: administrator & police liaison. Ageing Farrah-alike, in love with Boris. Since she only has two legs Boris is not interested. She somehow welds our different skills and personalities into a formidable crime-busting outfit. She keeps the polis off our backs as far as possible.
After my summary of the case so far Wanda quickly assigned us all tasks to be completed in the crucial 24 hour window at the start of investigation.
Gok: Check out the red silk cloak; this is not common evening wear in Ballochbridge
Tony: investigate the symbols tattooed on Morwenna. Inspect her rebus. Possible Chinese triad gang links ? Possible occult/emo links to "Morwena Qeen of the Five Moons" tattoo on leg.
Identify the disturbing portraits on her ass.
Boris: usual post-mortem insect screen. Check throat for moth pupae.
Determine origin of claw marks / hoof prints.
Me: continue to construct thrilling narrative, glossing over complete lack of credibility of our procedures and investigative techniques. Blind readers with science.
As the police made painfully slow progress our parallel investigation quickly made several dramatic breakthroughs:
Gok found that the scarlet cloak was made in small numbers by a tiny fashion house in Amsterdam.
Only three had been sold in Scotland in the past decade;
one to the Mayor of Ballochbridge
one to a retired ring-master and lion-tamer from Orkney
one to a professor at Edinburgh University.
Gok has ordered one of the cloaks for himself and some shorts made from the same material.
Tony quickly established that the Chinese characters above Morwenna's terrified eyes read "Starring Jackie Chan and" . The crude malevolent depictions on her botty defeated him; they were definitely demonic in origin.
He was able to establish that "Morwena Qeen of the Five Moons" was a name given to a trainee witch upon attaining full membership of the coven.
Tony had once penetrated a coven in Pitlochry in an undercover operation against Satanic abuse.
He was so popular that they begged him to stay on as their leader after he busted the incumbent for kiddie-fiddling.
He would be able to ask his coven buddies about the details of Morwenna's special name.
Boris' meticulous analysis of the fly & beetle detritus confirmed our initial estimate of the time of death. His discovery of a small moth Macaria carbonaria in her lung strongly suggested that her death occured at night.
Although Boris' speciality was insects he also did sterling work with quadrupeds. He determined that the only creature capable of inflicting the appalling wounds was the Sabre-toothed tiger Smilodon fatalis.
As you probably spotted this creature has not been able to munch much for 10000 years.
The only Smilodons in Scotland are in museums and University collections such as the renowned Maxwellian in Edinburgh. This is famous for its dramatically lifelike dioramas depicting extinct creatures and early humans.
The cloven hooves were certainly from ordinary domestic goats. But Boris quickly established that all the prints were from the same hoof; either Morwenna had been trampled by a vicious one-legged goat or somebody had inflicted the marks themselves with a presumably detached goat foot.
Our initial investigations naturally focussed on the Mayor of Ballochbridge, but we were soon forced to write off his involvement as a bizarre coincidence when he showed us his own cloak hanging innocently in the mayoral wardrobe, next to a Spiderman outfit.
The retired ringmaster and lion tamer from Orkney was also out of the frame: he was in prison for bestiality at the time in question.
That left only Professor Bergerac from the Paleontology department at Edinburgh University.
We quickly established that he was the Curator of the Maxwellian Collection. When confronted with a heavily stained Smilodon jaw from one of his dioramas he quickly confessed.
In his New Town appartment he showed us his large collection of Satanic regalia.
Tony quickly established that the Chinese characters above Morwenna's terrified eyes read "Starring Jackie Chan and" . The crude malevolent depictions on her botty defeated him; they were definitely demonic in origin.
He was able to establish that "Morwena Qeen of the Five Moons" was a name given to a trainee witch upon attaining full membership of the coven.
Tony had once penetrated a coven in Pitlochry in an undercover operation against Satanic abuse.
He was so popular that they begged him to stay on as their leader after he busted the incumbent for kiddie-fiddling.
He would be able to ask his coven buddies about the details of Morwenna's special name.
Boris' meticulous analysis of the fly & beetle detritus confirmed our initial estimate of the time of death. His discovery of a small moth Macaria carbonaria in her lung strongly suggested that her death occured at night.
Although Boris' speciality was insects he also did sterling work with quadrupeds. He determined that the only creature capable of inflicting the appalling wounds was the Sabre-toothed tiger Smilodon fatalis.
As you probably spotted this creature has not been able to munch much for 10000 years.
The only Smilodons in Scotland are in museums and University collections such as the renowned Maxwellian in Edinburgh. This is famous for its dramatically lifelike dioramas depicting extinct creatures and early humans.
The cloven hooves were certainly from ordinary domestic goats. But Boris quickly established that all the prints were from the same hoof; either Morwenna had been trampled by a vicious one-legged goat or somebody had inflicted the marks themselves with a presumably detached goat foot.
Our initial investigations naturally focussed on the Mayor of Ballochbridge, but we were soon forced to write off his involvement as a bizarre coincidence when he showed us his own cloak hanging innocently in the mayoral wardrobe, next to a Spiderman outfit.
The retired ringmaster and lion tamer from Orkney was also out of the frame: he was in prison for bestiality at the time in question.
That left only Professor Bergerac from the Paleontology department at Edinburgh University.
We quickly established that he was the Curator of the Maxwellian Collection. When confronted with a heavily stained Smilodon jaw from one of his dioramas he quickly confessed.
In his New Town appartment he showed us his large collection of Satanic regalia.
The Professor's elegant mahogany dining table was laid for twelve guests plus himself. A solid silver goat's foot lay at the head of the table. An opened bottle of 1999 Castello di Volpaia chianti was ready to be poured into the crystal goblets at each place.
A large bowl of fava beans was placed in the centre of the table with a silver ladle.
In the fridge behind a Rustler's Zingy Chicken burger we discovered Morwenna's missing breast; her heart was in the microwave covered in Ragu sauce.
Before we could stop him Bergerac grabbed an open tin of IrnBru from the fridge and necked it in one.
The paralysis was almost instant and death followed shortly after despite our attempts to revive the evil academic. Death by tubocurarine poisoning was confirmed at the autopsy.
It was generally agreed that the elderly academic could not have acted alone in carrying out the gruesome ritual murder. We have so far not been able to track down his accomplices/dinner guests.
As to why he chose Morwenna as his victim we may never know.
I was able to keep the Eiffel Tower keyring from the breast in Bergerac's fridge. I wear it in my left nipple ( thanks Tony !! ), where it is much admired when the coven goes Sky Clad.
THE END
